Boundaries: More than saying no
When we think of setting boundaries, the first thing that often comes to mind is the word "no."
We've all heard the advice:
Just say “no” if you want to maintain your boundaries. “No” is a full sentence.
I would argue that learning how to say “no” is actually a somewhat advanced technique. Before learning how to say no, some of us need to learn how to not offer a yes. Let me explain. There are folks out there (and you KNOW who you are) who aren’t just not saying no, but are actively offering their help and resources to people who haven’t even asked for them. We’re an enthusiastic bunch of healers, aren’t we? Love that energy. But we’re going to run out of that amazing energy very quickly if we keep offering, and giving, and helping, without maintaining balance.
Understanding the True Nature of Boundaries
At its core, a boundary is a limit that defines where you end and someone else begins. It’s an invisible line that protects your time, energy, and well-being. However, boundaries aren't just about defense mechanisms; they’re also about making conscious choices that reflect your values and desires.
Having good boundaries is much more nuanced than simply saying “no”.
It can also be about:
Not offering your time and energy unless you are actually asked
Not offering your time and energy unless you genuinely want to
Only saying yes to things that truly excite you
Only saying yes to things that also benefit you in some way
These ideas might feel a little uncomfortable, especially that last one. But balance isn’t just a nice attribute to have in your life, it’s a requirement. Yup, the Universe demands it. Check out this blog post to hear more about that. But for now, let’s talk more specifically about each of the points above.
Only Offer Help When Asked
One key element of maintaining healthy boundaries is learning not to offer help unless it is explicitly requested. While it may seem kind to offer assistance unprompted, doing so can sometimes have unintended consequences.
First, unsolicited help can undermine the confidence and autonomy of others. When we jump in to offer help without being asked, we might unintentionally convey a message that we think the other person is incapable of handling things on their own. I know, that’s not how you see it, or how you mean it. But regardless of your intention, offering help can erode the other person’s self-esteem and hinder their personal growth. Honor other people’s journey and growth by allowing them their own successes and failures.
Second, constantly offering help can lead to overextension and exhaustion. You may find yourself stretched too thin, trying to solve problems that weren’t yours to begin with. This can deplete your energy reserves and leave you with little time for your own needs and interests.
Last, offering help only when asked encourages a culture of mutual respect and personal responsibility. It empowers others to take charge of their situations and seek assistance when truly needed. It also helps you maintain your energy and focus for those moments when your help is genuinely required and appreciated.
Don’t Offer if You Don’t Mean It
A crucial aspect of boundary setting is resisting the urge to offer help or participation when you don’t truly want to. This can be challenging, especially for those of us who are natural caregivers or people-pleasers. However, it’s important to remember that offering help when you don’t mean it can lead to resentment and burnout.
Here’s a little secret: not every gap needs to be filled by you. Sometimes, the best way to honor your boundaries is by stepping back and allowing others to step up. This doesn't make you selfish; it makes you wise.
Here’s a way to practice: The next time a request goes out to a group of people, including you, make yourself wait a bit before responding. See who else steps up when you don’t. Yes, you’d obviously be a fantastic lead on that project. You’re amazing! But…does that leader need to be you? Do you even like the project? Have you done it before (and therefore there’s less opportunity for growth in repeating it)? Reflect on those questions and consider the possibility that It’s time to let someone else take their shot.
But what if no one else signs up, and the project lead position goes unfilled?! Well, if that happens, that’s exceptionally important information for you. When no one signs up to help or lead, what it means is that no single person in the group passionately wants to pursue this project. Why are you required to do the work that no one else wants to do, and that you don’t want to do yourself? Let it go, babes.
The Power of Enthusiastic Yes
Imagine a life where every "yes" you give is backed by genuine enthusiasm and interest. Not only does this ensure you are fully present and engaged in your commitments, but it also enhances your overall sense of fulfillment. When you reserve your “yes” for things that light you up, you create a life filled with activities and people that bring you joy. Don’t worry, you’ll still get to help out and share your gifts with the world. But it’s going to be a hell of a lot more fun.
Say Yes to What Benefits You
This may be the most challenging of the four ideas I’ve presented. I understand if you can’t wrap your head around it just yet, but hear me out. It’s not only okay to say yes to things that benefit you, it’s essential for your well-being. Prioritizing your needs and desires isn't selfish; it's an act of self-respect and self-care. When you only agree to things that bring you joy, fulfillment, or growth, you are investing in your happiness and mental health. (And we’ve already talked about the Universe’s demand for balance.) You’re also showing up in your community as your most positive, authentic self. People can’t help but respond to your passion; it becomes infectious.
If that’s not enough for you, consider this: When you prioritize your own needs, you set a powerful example for others. You demonstrate that it’s possible to maintain healthy boundaries while still being kind and generous. This can inspire those around you to also honor their boundaries and needs. Imagine the ripple effect this could have!
Navigating the Gray Areas
Setting boundaries isn't always black and white. There are obviously times when we might need to navigate the gray areas of obligation and desire. Here are a few tips to help you maintain your boundaries with grace:
Pause Before Responding: When asked for something, give yourself a moment to consider whether you really want to commit. A simple “Let me think about it and get back to you” can buy you the time you need to make a thoughtful decision.
Check In with Your Feelings: Notice how you feel when considering the request. Excitement and eagerness are good indicators of a genuine yes. If you feel dread, obligation, or resentment, say no.
Communicate Clearly: If you decide not to offer or accept, communicate your decision with kindness and firmness. You don’t need to provide lengthy explanations or justifications. You do not need to apologize. Please. Don’t. Apologize.
Be Honest and Open: Depending on the situation, it can be helpful to share something personal like, “I’m working on only saying ‘yes’ to things I’m passionate about. Thanks for understanding and being supportive.” (This one can go so far in developing relationships with people, and creating an opportunity for dialogue about mental health and boundaries.)
The Benefits of Strong Boundaries
When you start setting boundaries based on your genuine desires and interests, you’ll notice a positive shift in your life. You’ll feel more empowered, less stressed, and more in control of your time and energy. Your relationships will improve because they will be based on mutual respect and understanding.
You deserve to fill your life with experiences and people that uplift and inspire you. By only saying yes to what excites you and refraining from offering when you don’t genuinely want to, you honor your own needs and create a more balanced, fulfilling life. It may feel hard at first but, don’t forget, you can do hard things. I’d love to hear how your boundary setting is going! Feel free to leave a comment, or book a Reiki session so we can talk more, and build up your inner reserves!
Love,
Michelle